Sam I Am

The grubby, freckle-faced boy pushed his way through the thorned bushes and the barbed shrubs into a small clearing. He was an angry child, selfish to the core, and ignorant too. He had run away from his brethren and become disoriented in the enchanted maze of the Dark Sea of Awareness. The air was heavy in the clearing, nothing was stirring. The child, momentarily drained, sat down on the grass. He cursed his fate, blaming his plight on everyone but himself. Over and over again he repeated the mantra: “I’m the only one there is, I’m the only one there is, I’m the only one there is.” Over and over for an eternity he spoke these same words.

The air was heavy in the clearing and time seemed to stop. Sam closed his eyes and became as blind. He ran around and around his cell, crashing into bushes and calling out, “turn on the light, turn on the light!” As he cried out, his foot struck a stone and he crashed to the ground. He opened his eyes and saw light once more and rejoiced. A small muddy puddle was nestled under the thorny branches near where he had fallen, how had he missed it before? He drew over the surface of the water and gazed into the dark void of the abyss laid out before him. Mesmerized by the stillness of the pool and the depth of the void, he lost all track of time and all sense of reality. Forgotten were his brethren who still dwelt outside this secret place. This pool and this clearing were all that had ever have been or ever would be. He realized that now, and he had brought them into being by means of opening his eyes to the light. Everything else was just an illusion; this was place was real. He had always been here, this was his home. And as these fantastic thoughts raced through his mind, he felt loneliness for the first time and his heart wept. As he lay by the pool, he drew a deep breathe and as he exhaled, he watched as his heavy breath moved upon the surface of the waters. Sam saw something lying at the bottom of this filthy pool he had not seen before; he stretched forth his hand, pushing aside the water and pulled something from the black mud of the earth. He washed his find, shaking and splashing it in the water of the pool. When he looked down, lo and behold he held two small wooden dolls; one a boy and the other a girl.

Now Sam had never really had anything you would consider a friend. He had always bullied his peers, and resisted his elders, his own family shunned him and he resented them too. So a find like this, in the mind of a lost and desperate boy, satiated his hunger for companionship. He rejoiced and said aloud “let me make this world a home for my new friends.” He then transformed the stifling clearing into a rich garden in the depths of his mind, naming every rock, twig and leaf. Dozens of new and mystical creatures populated this world of imagination, and each one he held in a special reverence. Last of all he named his most beloved, the dolls, his friends, his children. “I shall call you Primus and you Vivian,” he announced to the world of tulpas. “They shall have my garden to be their home, and they will be its keepers.” And he showed them around the marvelous new world he had created in his mind. “To you my children, I give this beloved land and all its bountiful riches. Live and partake of all things in the land but do not drink from my pool, of that I alone may partake.” And the dolls were glad, and they rejoiced and walked upon the grass and ran with the strange and wonderful creatures.

Now Sam was at first very pleased with his make believe world and he would spend long hours sitting in the sun, his mind lost upon the lovely paths of his delusion, having silent conversations with himself and his children. So it was that one day Sam saw a furry caterpillar inching its way along a branch of one of the bushes around his pool; its fluffy mane bobbing up and down. He had never seen such a thing before, where had it come from? Since he had already brought into being all that ever was or would ever be; he looked down at the worm with anger and disgust. He had certainly not created such an ugly thing as this, from whence had it come?

Sam asked his dolls what they knew of the beast, but in their fear they remained silent. Sam grew jealous and angry, fearing that Primus and Vivian had befriended the foul creature. His thoughts ran wild. At last it all made sense, his tulpas had grown jealous of his dominion and conspired with the evil beast to usurp his crown. They would abandon him once again for this new thing from outside the borders of the world. In his darkest dreams and deepest memories, he had sensed this had happened before, somewhere beyond the void. And a new emotion arose in his heart and he felt regret for the first time. However, these new thoughts he soon dismissed as fantasy and swore an oath of everlasting vengeance towards this new beast. He also had harsh words for Primus and Vivian and they cowered in shame, an emotion that had previously been unknown to them. Sam was a jealous boy, not taken to sharing his toys, and he commanded them that they play with no one else but him. But his fury continued to rise and finally he seized his dolls and threw them out of his garden, far into the tangle of thorny bushes in the outer realm. The horrible creature he also punished for its insolence and Sam was glad because his vengeance was achieved.

Not long afterwards he realized that once again he sat alone in his paradise, and he wept over the loss of his friends. He cried their names aloud, calling out to them in the hope that they might return. But they did not come back, and soon his sorrow again turned to rage. Let them suffer and toil in the outer lands, never again to sit in my presence, an eternal punishment for choosing to remain with the wild beasts. It was they after all, who had betrayed him, they who had gone against his every wish. It was not him; he was Sam, perfect and thus unassailable. So it was that Sam sat alone for a long age, silently brooding in the shadows, blind and unaware of his separation, cursing the loss that he had brought upon himself. Still he desperately thirsted for the love and sacrafice he needed for sustenance.

Yet his anger grew despite his remorse, and he made ready to leave the enclosure, he must find his dolls or perish. But he did not forgive them, there was no forgiveness in his heart, nor had he forgotten what had transpired in the garden. It was not in his nature to forget. He would make them pay he thought as he ducked under the brambles that blanketed the walls of his garden. While he still had great love for his creations, he had also grown to hate and fear them, just as he both loved and hated himself. For he was Samael, king of the blind, and he would have his revenge.