The Overgrown Path

The Moon illuminated the slumbering  landscape with a pale, shimmering light. The ability to warm was not within its power and a ghostly presence was all it could muster. I trudged along the forgotten trail in silence, my eyes scanned the ground in front of me as I carefully picked my way through the overgrown path. The way was not perilous, but roots and branches jutted out across the way at irregular intervals to bite the ankles of an unwary traveler. I had been walking for well over an hour and my starting place in the valley below now seemed far away and hidden in darkness, only a few twinkling lights from the nearby village hinted at its general location. The hiking wasn't hard on its own, I had made this trek a handful of times during the daylight, but the chillness of the night air and difficulty of navigating a course by moonlight made progress slower than usual.

My destination still lay at least two hours ahead, the trail cut through the forest and wound its way up the side of some jagged hills, climbing to a dizzying height above the surrounding trees; before finally reaching its completion atop a rocky granite steppe. I looked up towards the direction where I thought it might lay, all I could see was a wall of impenetrable shadows. A sudden gust of wind swept through the treetops above me, creating an intriguing babble of unintelligible voices that filled the night air. I looked into the darkness of the forest, half expecting to see the glare from a thousand unfriendly eyes reflected back at me; but the frigid fluttering of leaves was all that was to be discerned.

There was nothing to fear from the cold night. I fished a crumpled pack of Parliaments from my weathered satchel and examined the contents. I was getting low, too low for comfort. I sparked one up anyway and exhaled a long thin stream of silvery smoke into the night air, savoring the burning in my lungs. Thoughts of Elisabeth raced through my mind as I hastily inhaled the body of the cigarette. 

Despite my best efforts, I had never been able to bring myself to fully let her go.  Even though we had not spoken for several months, she was still the first thought on my mind each morning when I opened my eyes. Memories of her gentle touch, shining eyes and slender figure blossomed each morning in the corridors of my imagination. Her laughter echoed through the halls of my mind like the enchanted melody of a mountain stream as it joyfully dances its way to the sea. Such good days lay behind me, it was hard to fathom how I could have lost it all so swiftly. Had life with me really become that unbearable?

I crushed the smouldering tip of my cigarette into a broken tree stump and banished the rhetorical question from my mind. It was time to shoulder my pack and venture further into the darkness ahead.  Such thoughts were pointless anyway, the past was the past and remains unchanged.  Even the most resourceful of sorcerers had thus far proven fruitless in their efforts to alter the past. The actions of times gone by were carved in stone like the great monuments of old, they stood frozen as a testament to the way things once were. Endless reflection, like the weathering of years, had done nothing to change their essence, only to reinterpret the personal decisions made in one's past. Unfortunately, the quest to answer that most fundamental of questions: why the events in my life occurred as they did, remained unconquered. I was no nearer to unveiling that mystery than I was to deciphering the cryptic laughter of the trees as they mocked me in the wind...

The full moon was now high overhead and a hush lay over the sleeping valley below, I was the lone witness to the majesty of the moon and cold stars this evening. I sat upon the hard granite, another Parliament clenched securely between my lips; I could go no further upon my current path.  A trail of smoke trickled out of my mouth and up into the void as I surveyed the scene before me. The number of lights in the village below had dwindled, but still stood out against the eerie landscape and offered the only reference point in an otherwise endless sea of dark trees. A steady wind always blew here on this exposed peak and the moonlit world below seemed overly far away. I struggled to make out the numbers on my watch, it was now nearing midnight and the purpose of my journey was at hand.

I pulled a small jar from my pack and gently shook the contents into my outstretched palm. The five shriveled mushroom caps glowed dully in the moonlight. I paused a moment before embarking, after this there was no turning back. A lonely call from a bird flying across the moon was my only omen to begin. One by one the mushrooms passed my waiting lips, the bitter taste overwhelmed my senses as my teeth crushed them into oblivion. I withdrew my canteen and took a few sips of water to wash away the dreadful flavor. I lit another Parliament and waited for the effect to take hold.

I did not have to wait long, my two days of fasting had not been in vain. Soon I felt the weight leave my body and I was light as a feather. I felt that if I were to jump from this precipice, I would but gently drift upon the wind like a leaf; arriving safely at home as if I had never left. What would I find there I wondered? Would I be able to sit outside my own window and watch myself comfortably slumbering by the fire? I chuckled at the thought and cast it aside. More important work was to be done tonight. I did not take measures such as these lightly and without great need. I could not afford to waste the opportunity that this night presented.

I took one last look at the valley below and stepped a few feet down from the summit. I found a place hidden from the ever searching fingers of the wind and nestled myself securely into a crevice between two of the larger granite outcroppings. I closed my eyes and gained control of my breathing. The kaleidoscope of colors exploded across my field of vision, temporarily forcing me to open my eyes. I closed them again with renewed vigor and by strength of will dismissed the allure of the colors dancing before me. Slowly they coalesced into a discernable scene and I watched as it unfolded before me. It was familiar yet strange all at the same time. The principles were the same, but the details were just a little bit off; reminiscent of an endless deja vu. I realized it was not a specific scene but rather an amalgamation of a previous period of my life.

It was a scene I likely would have witnessed about a year earlier, maybe longer. I saw Elisabeth sitting at a table facing the window, her long blonde hair flowing over her shoulders. Her clear blue eyes stared thoughtfully out the window at the falling snow.  She was holding a book in her hands that I did not recognize. Could it be a diary?  I could almost feel the warmth of her spirit as she spoke to me, but there were no words. I saw myself enter the silent image. I was much heavier back then, beardless and wearing atrocious clothing. I really don't see what she saw in me, I thought with a laugh. I watched as we talked and laughed and played around with one another, the very best parts of our relationship. Although the scene was silent, emotions were conveyed strikingly clear. I could feel the love in the room as a warm tingling on the surface of my skin and within the core of my being.  Then I watched as the two figures in the image slowly faded from view and the room in front of me shattered once more into a thousand twisting shapes and colors...

I opened my eyes and rubbed my temples as I reached for another Parliament. My silver Zippo flashed open and shut as I breathed in the cold night air equally with the smoke that issued from the filter. I sighed with regret, I was once more alone atop my solitary mountain. The night sky around me looked much the same as it had before, save that the moonlight now held more power due to my ingestion of the entheogens. A few clouds could be seen moving overhead, enslaved by the power of the wind, their hollow forms endlessly writhing and bending to the will of their master. After a few minutes I was able to regain my strength of will and I once again closed my eyes and stilled the colors.

The scene that appeared this time was a much less pleasant recollection. I saw that Elisabeth and I were seated in a crowded bar we used to frequent when we were together. The atmosphere was loud and obnoxious. Bar patrons smoked cigarette after cigarette filling the air with a thick haze. The latest pop hit played on the juke box and a few drunken college girls danced with each other in a corner. The pool table was surrounded by unkempt skaters wielding their cues clumsily. I saw myself take a shot of tequila and fight for Elisabeth's attention. She was always such a social butterfly in situations like these. Most of the time I didn't mind, but there were a few times where frustration would build up in me and I would behave in unpredictable ways. I always regretted it afterwards.

I reached for the hem of her shirt a fraction of a second too late and now she's bounding off again. I'm left alone. I can discern my thoughts within the vision. "Why did we come here again? You know she always gets like this when you come here. I should go home." On and on went the rambling of my thoughts. I can feel the frustration rising in my blood. I take shot after shot of tequila and I see myself losing control. I try to call out into the past and warn myself, but I'm a thousand miles away. For a second my dream self almost hears the warning, he can almost remember the words. But the destiny of that moment was just too strong. I watch helplessly as the me in the vision moves toward a skater Elisabeth was talking to. 

He was a short fellow who might not have been a bad guy, but his stupid grin was too much for me and then she touched his arm. I could feel my blood boil as the last vestiges of self control melt away. I erupt in curses and the shoving begins, I swing hard and plant a right cross squarely on his jaw. As he crumples to the floor, his friend steps in and I wrestle him to the ground as well. Things have gotten ugly so fast. The fight doesn't last long before bystanders break up the melee, but the damage is already done. 

Elisabeth is shouting at me now, my hand is bleeding and beginning to swell, but I am otherwise unharmed. My vision is hazy, I listen to her in silence for a few moments before shouting a slurred response. We looked into each other's eyes, struggling to find the connection we once shared. I reach out to take her hand but she steps away. I know I can't stay after what had just happened, so I make one more angry plea for her to come with me, but she refused. 

I wish I could say that this was where I found restraint, but that would be a lie. My words hit her with a greater force than my hands ever could. I'll never remember exactly what I said to her, such was my drunken state; but I broke something that night, something special that can never be repaired. After my tirade, I stormed out of the bar without looking back. Elisabeth was left standing there stunned, tears forming in the corners of her perfect blue eyes. Outside you can hear the squealing of tires as I speed away...

I shook myself back into reality, this was the absolute bottom, the point from which I would never recover her love or trust. I had relived this scene in my mind a thousand times before, wishing each time for a different outcome, yet it was always the same. Yes, this night was at the crux of it all. The door of survival and destruction whereby one can obtain joy and avoid misery. I had failed. Never before or since have I felt so ashamed of my behavior, so disgusted with my actions and so regretful at my lack of self control. But this life is such that bad days cannot be changed in the past, only avoided in the future. The fact was I had lost my love.

After that night in the bar I had been a changed man. I made my most valiant efforts to regain Elisabeth's love, but she was always quiet and distant and avoided my presence. I was devastated. The heartache I felt was greater than any other I've ever experienced. From the dark loneliness that beset me, there was no escape or respite. I carried out my days with little hope that happiness would ever shine on me again. I resolved to use this experience as a catalyst for growth, I would become a much better person because of my failing her. It was all I could do. I could not behave like that again, ever.  I knew that alcohol had played a major part in my downfall with Elisabeth so I vowed to abstain until such time as I could control myself properly. I became very obsessed with Castanada's concept of "Being Inaccessible" and the detached moderation it entailed.

Almost immediately I felt the affects of my renewed outlook on life. I could feel the growth within me, shooting me up to new heights scarcely dreamed of before. It was a renaissance of the spirit, a rebirth of the heart. I changed every habit, I dressed differently, ate differently, exercised voraciously. Each day brought me new momentum as I got further and further from where I began. A lifetime of alcoholism had been cured in a single night. I was baffled by the ease of it all. I was making changes that I had attempted to make for years but had never accomplished. Now I was getting results daily. It was all falling into place, but Elisabeth still wouldn't return my calls; and I had no way to show her how I'd changed or how much I still loved her.

I bided my time and as the weeks stretched into months, eventually Elisabeth was no longer my primary motivation to live a better life. I was now doing these things for myself, because I enjoyed being a better person. When I looked in the mirror I saw a much stronger individual, both physically and spiritually. I had always maintained that the night in the bar had been one of the worst nights of my life, but I was now able to view it differently. Without that breakdown, I could not possibly have achieved what I had in the months since. My abhorrent behavior had served as a springboard for my renewal. Like a Phoenix rising from its own ashes, I had taken the wreckage of this disastrous event and sculpted a better person from it.

I do not miss the cold irony of life's lessons often, and such was the case here. What a cruel shame it was that I had to sacrifice my love with Elisabeth to get here! What a paradox God had set up for me. I pondered what would have happened if I'd held my cool for five minutes longer. Would I still have Elisabeth by my side? Would I still be a fat sloppy drunk? Was it worth losing her to become a better version of myself? Why couldn't I have done all this without losing her?

As the cold wind whipped around my lonely mountain perch, I can only come up with one solid answer. Things happened the way they did and could not possibly have happened any other way. The road of life goes on and on, we are given the chance to learn valuable lessons over and over again. If you miss the point, you'll get a jolt. The longer you delay learning the lesson, the greater the jolt will become. Sometimes the burned hand teaches us best not to touch the flame. That which has been broken cannot always be fixed, so be impeccable in your actions and tread lightly. I have come to define faith not in association with any particular deity, but rather as the absolute belief that whatever is happening to me is exactly what I need for my own personal growth at that time. 

I light up my last Parliament and watch the first rays of sunlight pierce the darkness. A new day is rising, my feet will walk along a much clearer path now. The branches of my spirit have been clipped and pruned with care. A new resolve burns brightly within me, to make the most out of this new day. To humbly accept with faith whatever challenges present themselves to me. I still love Elisabeth, and probably always will, but now I must move on without her. I will always look back on her fondly for giving me this gift, because I never could have broken my patterns without losing her. 

I take one final look at the brightening valley below. Life is stirring in the village once more, miniature figures go about their daily business like ants under the sun, running to and fro with feigned purpose. So seldom do they stop to truly appreciate the opportunity that each new day presents.  I can't help but get excited for the adventures that lie ahead of me now. I shall approach them with my head held high and my eyes open for new doorways and opportunities. When everything is about learning and growth, how can I possibly fail?  I know that the next love will come along when the time is right and I won't have to walk this path alone forever.  I pause for one final moment to fill my lungs with the cool morning air; before I turn my head and gently drift back down the trail, light as a feather, like a leaf upon the wind...